


here comes goodbye

by aerials



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Character Death, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-09-12 16:04:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9079717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aerials/pseuds/aerials
Summary: Thinking about it, Philip couldn't help but feel like this wasn't enough that his mom, so beautiful and kind, despite all her struggles, deserved better than this poor showing of a funeral. The lack of people there just went to show how much she'd secluded herself, there were a few nurses from the rehab and one friend she'd made, everyone else was people who didn't know her. Bo, standing with Lukas, Helen and Gabe right by his side but that was it. Philip hated that more people didn't get the chance to know her the way he did.





	

Philip had been dreading this day ever since he’d found out his mom had died. When he wasn’t trying to save face while planning the funeral, he was locked inside of his room looking at pictures of the two of them together and crying into his pillow. There were nights when he would spend hours on the phone to Lukas, the blonde would inevitably fall asleep of course but Philip didn’t mind just rambling to himself, he even got a chuckle when Lukas snored so loud so suddenly. It just felt so wrong to laugh when his mom was dead, laying in a morgue waiting to be carted off in preparation for burial.

Anne hadn’t left a will, everything she owned obviously went to Philip but a lot of it he took to charity donation centres or threw out. He only needed the few boxes he had to remind him of his mom, the pictures that meant more than any material object she had owned. It was so strange to know that he could never visit her again, that she would never have the chance of a normal life and that hurt Philip, like daggers in his chest.

Of course he blamed himself, if only he had come clean and told Helen what had happened then maybe, just maybe, Ryan would have been caught sooner before he ever had a chance to get close to his mom. He had so many opportunities to say something but he was so fearful of losing Lukas and never in a million years imagined that Ryan would be able to find his mom, that he kept his mouth shut. Philip did as Lukas wanted and Lukas even tried to share the blame, knowing how much the brunette adored his mom even when she was losing her mind on drugs. Still, Philip wouldn’t let Lukas take any of it, he was completely off of the hook and Philip was swallowed up by the overwhelming sense of guilt every day instead.

Lukas hated seeing him like that, so run down, not going to school and suffocating with the weight of the world on top of him. The worst of it was that helpless feeling Lukas had, not knowing how to fix it or bare some of the weight so Philip wouldn’t be so sad. It was hard when the blonde craved Philip so much, wanted to be near him and to hold him but he didn’t know if that was what Philip wanted. In the end he used that craving to his advantage and took a jump, after days and days of sitting at the edge of Philip’s bed when he was crying and mumbling, or sharing stories about his mom, Lukas finally edged his way up the bed to lay behind Philip. He wrapped his arms around Philip’s waist and nuzzled into the space where his neck would meet his shoulder and breathed slowly.

It was the tiniest of gestures but Philip finally allowed himself to relax and enjoy something, even if it was just how affectionate Lukas was being something that the blonde was getting so much better at since he had come clean about everything. After that Philip began to spend less time in his room, he at made an appearance and hung out with Lukas in the lounge, he seemed to be getting back to his normal self in a way at least that was until the day of the funeral. That day, well nothing could get Philip out of bed, not even Lukas.

“Come on, just a few hours then you’ll be back here with me and I’ll even stay the night, Gabe and Helen already said it’s okay,” Lukas was trying, had been trying for a while now, to convince Philip he should get out of bed. The funeral was within the hour and the other hadn’t a stitch of black clothing on him and his hair was all a mess. This was it, this was where he said goodbye to his mom and he couldn’t stand it. After this it was all over, at least even knowing she was dead, her body was still technically there and he had time to prepare himself then to say his goodbyes. Turns out no amount of time could prepare you for something like that. 

"Do you want me to sing to you? Cause you know that's one of my many talents and I'll blow you away with some Sarah McLachlan," Lukas suggested, it had been thirty minutes since he'd told Philip he was staying the night and still no movement. Gabe had tried, Helen had tried and Lukas had told every bad joke he could in hopes he'd even get a damn eye roll, threatening to sing was the last thing he had up his sleeve. "Alright, you asked for it," he continued, clearing his throat he began to sing the opening notes of 'Angel' and suddenly Philip was springing up, covering Lukas' mouth and shaking his head.

"I'm up, okay? Let's just get this over with," Philip muttered, dropping his hand from Lukas' mouth so he could climb out of bed. His suit was all laid out for him, it had been hanging on his closet door all morning and truth be told he'd been staring at it non stop since he woke up. He didn't have a suit jacket, he had pleaded that instead he could wear his grandfathers leather jacket, nobody had fought him on it and god did he wish his grandfather was still around now to tell him what to do. He was lost, there was a void in his life now that had once been filled by his mom and he wasn't sure it would ever be filled. No matter how much love Gabe and Helen showed him. Philip hated being coddled, he had fought for everything in his life, stayed strong when everything else and everyone else was falling apart and now that he was falling apart he didn't know how to handle being taken care of. Especially not by Lukas, the role reversal was kind of scary and he pushed it away a little. Pushed Lukas away even, especially during the service.

By all accounts, the funeral was minimal. Philip didn’t have any money to pay for it and, well, his mom only had a little saved up - something she had been trying to save for Philip to go to college and had also dipped into from time to time, reducing what was there - for the rest Helen and Gave insisted that they would help, to at least cover everything that Anne’s savings couldn’t. Lukas and Bo even pitched in on the flowers, making sure that Philip was never alone in this, even when the brunette felt like it. Thinking about it, Philip couldn't help but feel like this wasn't enough that his mom, so beautiful and kind, despite all her struggles, deserved better than this poor showing of a funeral. The lack of people there just went to show how much she'd secluded herself, there were a few nurses from the rehab and one friend she'd made, everyone else was people who didn't know her. Bo, standing with Lukas, Helen and Gabe right by his side but that was it. Philip hated that more people didn't get the chance to know her the way he did.

Finally the time came when words were said and Philip waved off the chance to say a public goodbye, wanting that one thing to be just between himself and his mom, when they were lowering the casket into the ground and Philip finally broke. The whole day he hadn't shed a single tear, he'd simply felt empty like none of this was really happening but the reality hit when he realised soon enough she'd be in the ground and gone forever. The tears and the wracked sobs didn't go unnoticed by Lukas and the blonde, whose brows furrowed in concern the second he saw a tear fall, was at Philip's side and lacing their fingers together. Philip appreciated it whole heartedly, biding his time until the casket had stopped moving before he turned and buried his face in Lukas' chest.

"It's okay, I got you," Lukas muttered because he didn't know what else to say but he could tell it was appreciated  by the way Philip squeezed his body and Lukas tightened his own arms around the others shoulders, letting one hand move through the curled locks at the back of Philip's head. He didn't care that Bo was still coming to terms with them being together, he didn't care that he was in public and that anyone could see, Philip was what was important and right now Philip needed the arms of the person he loved wrapped around him.

*** * * * * * * * * * ***

No-one had insisted on a gathering after the funeral, in fact Philip had insisted against it, he needed time to process the fact that his mom had been buried and everyone had kind of realised that Philip was sick of the constant concerning glances and the repetitive sound of 'are you okay?'. The only person allowed back at the house was Lukas and Lukas had done well no to ask anything that Philip didn't want to hear, he was just there and that meant more to Philip than Lukas ever even realised. There had been a time where Philip had wanted Lukas to chase him, to tell him that everything was okay and that he wanted him and now he didn't have to desire it, Lukas was just there willingly. There was no hoping or waiting, anymore and it was nice, the change was nice.

"What you reading?" Lukas asked as he returned to the room from grabbing them both some snacks, the bag caught the corner of Philip's eye and he instantly reached out a hand for it. In his free hand was the obituary Helen had put together for his mom, using words that Philip had used when talking about her so often right after she'd died. Before the silence overcame him and he became an utter recluse. "Let me see."

Philip didn't fight it, simply handed it over and let Lukas read and Philip noted how damn adorable the other looked when he furrowed his brow that way as he concentrated. It was one of the many little things that Philip admired and one that he would add to his list, which was now miles long and surely would continue to grow as they spent more time together. In the past few hours alone he'd added at least ten things that he loved about this open Lukas, including the way he acted at the funeral without care for what his father would say just because he was crying. It meant the world. "I love this, your mom was sweet," Lukas admitted as he set the obituary down on the bedside cabinet before climbing into the bed again. While Philip went about eating for the first time that day, Lukas cuddled up to him and fastened his arms around the others waist again. 

"She really liked you, you know," Philip announced suddenly and Lukas perked up a little, he'd known that Philip had told her that they had a little thing going but he thought that had been it. He hadn't expected that Anne would have had any kind of opinion on him, Lukas felt his heart swell a little to know he had the approval of his boyfriends mom. "She was really worried about you after you got shot, she was always rooting for us, rooting for how happy I seemed," Philip shrugged then and Lukas felt overwhelmed by how, despite all he'd done, Philip had seemingly painted this picture that he was a good guy. She had no idea of the truly horrible things he'd done and said, at least he didn't think she knew why else would she have been their own personal cheerleader. 

Lukas sat up then and moved in a little closer, raising one of his hands to cup Philip's jaw and the brunette caught on pretty quickly letting his head be turned and his eyes flickered from looking into Lukas' to looking down at his slightly parted lips. Soon enough the gap was closing and their lips were pressed flush together, both boys breathing out slowly through their noses as they kissed. "It isn't goodbye," Lukas muttered when he pulled away, not fully just enough so that their lips were parted but their noses were still able to brush together a little gesture that Lukas was terribly fond of. "I thought it was with my mom but she's always here, I bet the both of them are together rooting for us right now," he added, quite liking the idea that their mothers would be best friends, so approving and supportive of their relationship together and Philip, well he liked that too. So much he began to well up.

"God, don't cry, please don't cry, I'm sorry," Lukas spoke hurriedly, pulling away so he could wipe the tears away from Philip's face. Sure he was a joker most of the time and any chance he had to whisper words that Philip hated to try and make him laugh he took but he was still completely capable of being serious. At least when it counted and right now it counted. Philip however was quick to brush the other off and wipe his nose with the back of his hand, even laughing a little as he tried to form a coherent sentence in response to the others kindness.

"I'm not crying because I'm sad, I'm crying because you're right and it made me really happy," Philip admits and there's that beautiful smile from Lukas that he'd come to be damn near obsessed with. So big and light and Philip was so glad that they'd managed to work out through everything, that he had Lukas here and they were good, that Lukas had come out of his shell and was so much sweeter than Philip had ever imagined he was. Philip had no idea that the reason he was like that was because Lukas was so utterly and completely in love that it scared him, he didn't know how to say it so he showed it in constantly being there for everything Philip needed and Philip had come to realise that he didn't need to hear it, not anymore, because Lukas' actions spoke so much louder than any amount of affectionate words. Then Lukas was kissing him again and Philip could almost hear his mother cheering for him, that he got the happiness he'd been craving for so long and that made the goodbye he'd shared so much easier.


End file.
